A friend of mine asked me a question. She said, "I teach college English where I see students sabotage themselves and who also let others sabotage them. Why do friends and family members put obstacles in their paths?" She also mentioned how people will tempt their friends who are on diets with sweets and other "off-diet" foods.

Why do people do that? I'm going to give you my opinions on this; I'm not a psychologist or anything like that. I'm just someone who's been around a bit and has heard many different possible explanations for this kind of behavior.

It's interesting to note that his behavior is not unique to human beings. I've heard many times about crabs in a crab pot. It goes like this. If you put one crab in a crab pot, he'll climb out. It may take multiple tries, but a crab pot is not his normal environment so he wants to leave. (He doesn't know this, but he has a GOAL!) Now, if you put more than one crab in the crab pot and one of them tries to climb out, the other crabs will pull him back into the pot. It's sort of like they feel they're stuck there, so why should he get out?

So, why do human beings act like crabs? Here are some possible explanations:

1. Jealousy

When you start on a plan to achieve a worthwhile goal, your friends and family, I'll just refer to them as friends from here on, see you making progress. They begin to see that you really are going to achieve your goal. They see that you're excited and that you're feeling all the positive feelings that come with being on the path to your goal.

If your friends are not working toward their own worthwhile goals, they aren't experiencing those positive feelings that you are. They also might be seeing that you really are going to reach that goal and that it will be a very good thing for you. If they aren't going after their own goal and making progress, you're going to have something they aren't going to have. They also know, deep down, that you'll deserve all the good things that will result from your effort.

So, if they are jealous, they're not going to encourage you; they're going to try to pull you back into the pot! The sad thing is that they probably don't even realize why they're doing it!

2. Guilt

This is another emotion your friends may be experiencing without even knowing it. Let's say that you're on a diet and you're making progress. If your friends could stand to lose a few pounds too, they know it.

Now they see you actually doing something they know they should do. As you make progress, you become real life proof that your diet works. The more you succeed, the more they have to accept the knowledge that if they did what you're doing they could have the same success.

Here's where the guilt comes in. They know that they should do it, and they know that they're not! Two different responses are available to them. They can join you on your path, or they can "pull you back into the pot." They won't do anything so obvious as to try to talk you out of your plan, but they can offer the little goodies that will tempt you to leave your plan and get back on theirs.

Think about it. They're not being mean or negative; they have this wonderful cookie (or whatever) that they know you've always enjoyed; they just want to share! If they do a good thing, like sharing, they shouldn't feel guilty, right?

Please remember that your friends are not consciously trying to make you fail. These are just natural, unconscious things that people do.

3. Fear

Why would anyone feel fear as a result of your progressing toward your goal? This one may seem like a stretch, but stay with me.

Let's say your goal is not like a diet; it's a goal that will bring you a higher level of financial success. Remember Mary Ann's comment about college students sabotaging each other's efforts? What happens when your friend does better in school (or in their career), and they succeed in achieving a higher standard of living as a result?

If you do that, your path in life could well take you places where your friends won't be able to go with you. Actually, it's not that they couldn't; it's that they didn't take the actions (or similar ones) that you took. This could result in your friendships changing or diminishing. That's not your intent, and you may make efforts to maintain the same friendships, but they won't really be the same.

It's time to pull you back into the pot!

4. Negative Attitude

I left this one for the last, and it might be the most common of them all. It's just plain easier for people to be negative than it is to be positive. "I can't" is much easier than "I will."

Negative thinking is not only easier, but it's the kind of thinking we hear the most often. By the time you reach adulthood, you've heard "No," "Don't," Stop that," "You can't." and all the other variations thousands more times than you've heard "Yes," "Go ahead," "I know you can," and the other positive variations.

What does this mean? It means that it's just more natural for your friends to bring up the negative than the positive. They don't even mean to; they've just been conditioned to do it. It's what they've learned through their life experiences.

What Can You Do?

This would be a pretty negative article if I didn't try to give you some ideas. Here's a few things to try:

• Accept your friends for who they are. They really don't mean to be negative, and they probably don't want you to fail. Accept them, love them, but don't listen to them!
• Change the subject. You don't have to listen to someone spew negative. They have to stop to breathe some time. When they do, introduce something else to talk about. Change the conversation to focus on something positive or at least neutral!
• Be sure you have your own mentor, coach, or support group that provides the positive support and encouragement that you need. This also will provide you the escape that you will sometimes need from the negative that naturally surrounds you.
• Stay focused on your goals and your plan. You know where you're going, and it's not your responsibility to take your friends with you. If they want to join you, they can!

You can do it! You can reach your goals! Learning to deal with people who don't share in your excitement or who don't understand your motivation is just part of the process...but, YOU CAN DO IT!