This article will discuss Co dependant relationships. All of us have different relationships in our lives and each of them are important. We all want to ensure that we have the best relationships possible, but at times we are in relationships that are not as good as they could be. I would encourage you to consider this information and if Co-Dependency may be a part of your life, I would invite you to consider making some changes in order to improve your relationships and live more effectively.
Have you ever experienced being in a relationship all of your focus is on the other person? If they are happy, you are happy. If they are upset, they are upset. Do you ever feel like there is more to life? Well there is more to life and it is my hope that this examination of Co-Dependant Relationships will be the first step to experiencing freedom and joy.

Relationships tend to have a certain flow about them that is demonstrated in the following diagram:

A

D B

C

As you can see this is a circular pattern that demonstrates the flow of relationships. This pattern is based on the relational circle diagram and this is a picture of what happens within relationships. A healthy relationship can be pictured in the following
A= I have a problem. B= I am sorry about your problem. C=Both people brainstorm as to how to fix the problem D= The problem is resolved. This is a healthy pattern of relating because both people are involved in considering the problem and fixing the problem.
Lets now consider further how the circular patterns are established. In any given relationship, after a while there is a pattern that emerges between 2 people. Patterns are established in any relationship and the closer the relationship, the deeper the pattern. Now patterns can be healthy or unhealthy, or they can begin as healthy and end up as unhealthy. In a new relationship where people are beginning to know each other, there is a period where the two people are learning about each other likes and dislikes, as well as about each other's personality.

After a time when the people become friends or lovers, there is a new level of intimacy that each person begins to enjoy. This is the stage in relationships where inside jokes are developed and there begins to be a greater level of trust then there was before. This is also the stage where the weaknesses of both people begin to bubble to the top. Some weaknesses can be accommodated and some must be stopped at the root. If the one person has a nasty habit of being late all of the time, then this could be corrected by implementing a number of various techniques.

What if the difficulty with the person is due to the issue that they tend to have a controlling nature? In my recent studies of people who are in Co-Dependant relationships, Co-Dependant relationship can be defined as a relationship where all of the energies of one partner goes to support the other partner, and all of their goals are set aside. As you can see from this relationship, there is no mutual sharing, no working to obtain mutual goals. The problem with this pattern of relationship is that there is no working together to establish mutual goals. All of the focus is totally on the one individual. Co-Dependency was first identified within relationships where substance abuse was present. The focus of the relationship was to support the substance abuser. Now Co-Dependency is a category by itself and it is no longer necessarily linked to substance abuse. The Co Dependant pattern may be described by the following
A: One Partner feel sad. B. The other partner feels sad to see their partner sad. C. Both people are sad, D. Both people feel powerless.
Co-Dependency can happen in relationships between spouses, parent-child or in friendships. As I said before the closer the relationship, the higher the risk that Co-Dependency may be a factor.
A healthy relationship would be one that is interdependent. In an interdependent relationship the goals of the couple unit are to assist and support each other, while at the same time the people are free to achieve their own goals and jobs. Each person enjoys the high level of mutual support while being free to develop his or her own interests. This makes the relationship more stable because each person is there for each other but they are not dependant on each other.
The need for control
From time to time we encounter people often feel the need to control others. The reason they may do this may be due to the fact that they feel that some aspects of their lives that are out of control. The person may feel out of control either at work or and home. If this is true, the person may attempt to over control the place where they feel they have not lost control.
Lets consider some stressors, which may lead to someone feeling like they are out of control.

Stressors at work
1. Demanding Employer
2. Project Deadlines
3. Working with difficult co workers
4. Budget Constraints
5. Time Pressures
Stressors at Home
1. Conflict with spouse
2. Parenting Issues
3. Financial Difficulties
4. Home Repair Issues
5. Substance Abuse

As you can see there are several things at home and at work that can contribute to someone feeling like they are loosing control. Consider this example for a minute. Say you are swimming along and you begin to drown, what is the first thing you would do? You would likely try and find something to grab on to. If there is a life preserver in the area, the person will likely grab at it right away.

Ways of assisting the person who have control issues:
1. Seek to talk openly with them about what is bothering them
2. Offer support and encouragement
3. Offer to problem solve with the person
4. Let them know that they are not alone.
5. If the person has issues that could use the guidance of a counselor, encourage them to find a counselor.
What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like
So now that we have considered very quickly only one type of problem in relationships, lets consider what a healthy relationship looks like.
Steps to Healing
Co-Dependant are not attracted to people with healthy boundaries, so your first step is to establish good boundaries in your relationships. I would also encourage you to consider what you will and what you will not accept in relationship. Good relationships require give and take as well as mutual respect. What I will not accept in a friendship may look like this.
1. I will not accept blame for things that are not my fault.
2. I will not be sad because others are sad.
3. There is no reason for others to be rude to me so I will not accept rudeness.
4. I will not be controlled by the emotions of others.

Positive Affirmations:
1. I am enough in myself, I matter
2. I have the right to achieve my own goals.
3. I am smart enough to work through problems.
4. I have a right to be happy.
5. I want relationships I don't need them.
Overcoming Co-Dependency
If you are in a co-dependant relationship or you believe after reading this that you may have a co-dependant personality, there is hope.
1. The first step is always to acknowledge that there may be an issue to work on. Write your feelings down to assist you in sorting out your thoughts and feelings.
2. Hire a good therapist that will hear your story. You are welcome to contact me at Dr.Dan Dalton.
3. Begin to establish good boundaries in relationships with friends and family.
4. If you have a partner and you are currently in a relationship, talk about these issues with the partner and explore the idea of couples counseling if this is an issue.